BtVS: Just Fourteen
by Leni
Summary: A piece of Dawn´s mind after 'The Gift'


//Real tears and real sobs and real whimpers are coming out of you and you don't understand how THEY could even doubt that you are real, too.//  
  
TITLE: Just Fourteen  
  
AUTHOR: Leni   
  
DISCLAIMER: If they were mine... *dreamy sigh*... but they aren't.  
  
DISTRIBUTION: You want this? YOU WANT THIS??? Good... just tell me.  
  
SUMMARY: Dawn's thoughts.   
  
TIMELINE: Just after 'The Gift' and before S6/S3.   
  
FEEDBACK: Believe me, I WANT IT. dani_vasq@hotmail.com , a_d_v_v@yahoo.com.ar  
  
DEDICATION: To my German-teacher... if I hadn't failed that exam I wouldn't be so depressed as to write something to cheer myself up... :o)  
  
Just in case: 'THEY' are the PTB while 'they' refers to the SG.  
  
You knew that hell would break loose when Ben finally gave up.  
  
You waited for her to show up and finally kick Glory's ass.  
  
She didn't came.  
  
You watched the Goddess make all the preparatives with unseeing eyes and shattered hopes.  
  
And this time you knew for sure that hell was coming when they tied you up and sliced your skin and blooddrops began to form and run freely while you screamed and still waited for her.  
  
You just never thought it would end this way. Even as you saw it unfold - even if you didn't want to - you didn't believe it until there was nothing else to believe.  
  
DON'T!  
  
So you were there bleeding. And the blood flooded out of your body into the void and it fell.... Fell and you didn't see anything else. And then everything stopped and this time your big sister was the one falling and you just didn't want to see anymore...  
  
This had to be a nightmare.  
  
STOP!  
  
And you couldn't do anything because you just weren't able to move but you know that this wasn't right. And it wasn't a nightmare, either.  
  
You should be the one there instead of her. You had to because it was your responsibility and your destiny and your duty, too. Your blood opens it and it must be your blood the one to seal it again.  
  
But you didn't have the strength to voice your thoughts and now that you think of it you understand that she would have never heeded you.  
  
All because your big sister was the Slayer.  
  
And Slayers never understand that theirs are not the only duties in the world.  
  
STOP!  
  
She was taking your place.  
  
It was your turn to be the big sister. To protect. To love. To look after her and die for her. You love her but damn it! she was taking it all away!  
  
It was *your* duty.  
  
DOOOOOOON'T!  
  
They never let you see her body and you still can't decide if that was good or not. You wanted to say good-bye to her and you wanted to yell and scream at her for leaving you alone.  
  
Only that they are trying to convince you that you will never be alone. *Trying* being the key word here. And you cry at the right places and smile when they want you to and you are beginning to understand what you big sister felt for the last years...  
  
You're making sure of giving them a great show. Buffy would be so proud of you! No, she wouldn't. She would understand you and berate you and finally shake you until you finally let it go.  
  
But she isn't here. She went away because a Slayer had to carry out duties not hers... You miss her and can't stop wishing you had done it but maybe they all are right. You are just fourteen...  
  
DOES A KEY HAVE A REAL AGE?  
  
... and young and pretty and you need to be protected and sheltered and oh! what would they do without you here?  
  
But maybe they are wrong because she was twenty and younger and prettier and she wasn't being sheltered or protected - not since *he* disappeared in a cloud of mist - and you know that they miss her as they could have never missed you... because they all know that you are not real.  
  
But you still feel real enough to hurt because of the empty space in your soul...   
  
DOES A KEY HAVE A REAL SOUL?  
  
...and each night you fill it with your real tears and your real sobs and your real memories... Oops, the latter are not real; you forgot it for a second.  
  
So you saw your big sister falling only that you didn't really see her and when she was at your side she could have told you anything because you just don't remember. You only remember thinking that it was finally your big moment, it was finally your turn to rise and shine and to close the door your own blood had just opened.  
  
Your task was ahead and you just had to do it.  
  
The Key in you was ready. She wanted - needed - to push your sister aside and jump. Why didn't she do it?   
  
Because the girl hesitated, that's why.  
  
She hesitated because she was just fourteen and young and pretty and she wanted to know if Jeff would finally ask her out. The girl hesitated and the Key didn't move.  
  
But your sister did move. Oh yes, she did. And she looked at you with tears in her eyes and she understood and loved and protected and jumped.  
  
And you didn't want to see anything else.  
  
And Jeff didn't ask you out either.  
  
But now you can see. Oh! If you could only see! But you have to watch and understand and feel. A new portal to Hell - your very own and personal one - has opened and it does need your blood. Blood is life and this new Hell is sucking yours away.  
  
And you see how the casket is being lowered into the ground.  
  
HER BLOOD WAS YOURS.  
  
And you heard the low sobs and whispers between your - *her* - friends and you understand and forgive why they could have never mourned you as they are mourning her. You understand because you wouldn't miss yourself as you are missing her, your big sister, the real Summers, right now.  
  
HER LIFE WAS YOURS.  
  
And when you have stopped watching and understanding and feeling at all, all you have left is the silver cross you denied your own sister, the one they found in one of her pockets. And when you put it around your neck it stings. But not because you are a vampire but because you are even worse than they are. And it doesn't matter if you are just fourteen and pretty and finally real when you have killed you big sister...  
  
NO, YOU DIDN'T  
  
... when you let her take your place and your mission and jump down with them...  
  
NO, YOU DIDN'T  
  
... when you don't have the guts to tell *her* friends that her sacrifice was for nothing.   
  
DID YOU?  
  
It was your place and now you know that you have to go back because you never were real for THEM. It doesn't matter if you agree or not, THEY will make you disappear and you don't have the guts to tell them the truth.  
  
You don't want to face them and tell to their grief-stricken faces that you will not -cannot- stay and you prefer to take the cross and a duffel-bag and walk out of your - *the Summer's* - house.   
  
And when you arrive at the bus station he is already there waiting for you. You don't even need to ask how he knew because you've always had the feeling that people - or non-people - of *his* bloodline would be forever attached to people - or Keys - of *hers*.  
  
"I promised her," is the only thing he says and it's enough.  
  
You nod and let him follow you because you know that he will never let you go - Just because of a promise? - And he will never leave and maybe he will understand when you are the one to leave him. That never got to happen between *them*, you muse.  
  
JUST LET IT GO.  
  
"Where to, Pumpkin?"  
  
You shrug and let him decide.   
  
And when you two are finally seated in one of the buses you curl up next to him and let it go.  
  
JUST LET IT GO.  
  
Real tears and real sobs and real whimpers are coming out of you and you don't understand how THEY could even doubt that you are real, too.  
  
He just puts his arms carefully around you and you heard a dizzling sound and a soft yelp and you suddenly remember your - *her* - cross and you also remember a time long ago - it doesn't matter if the memories are not yours, they are the only thing you truly have now. - when your big sister told you about a certain scene and a dance at the Bronze...  
  
SILVER. BITTERSWEET. LOVE. DANGER... DON'T!  
  
And you know that it was the only good-bye they ever had. And you don't understand why they had one when they wouldn't part and none when Death is separating them. You feel sorry for them, even sorrier than you felt for the blonde guy who tried to occupy *his* place. And you also feel envy because they had the chance to be real and have real love and real angst while the only thing you have is a unstable vampire embracing you - Just because of a promise? - and letting the cross burn him...   
  
Your sobs are quieter now and you can't help but muse that Sire and Childe have the same mark now... but this time neither of you will say good-bye... not when you both know that there's enough time for that...  
  
JUST NEVER ENOUGH WHEN YOU ARE JUST FOURTEEN AND YOUNG AND PRETTY AND the Key.  
  
The end!  
  
_______________________________________________________________________________  
  
Damn! That one just depressed me further! No fair!!!!!!! Guess I'll have to begin another one... Bye! Oh! Don't forget the feedback! dani_vasq@hotmail.com , a_d_v_v@yahoo.com.ar 


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